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I have been struggling lately, pretty bad. Feeling hopeless and feeling the pain from my childhood that has been so powerful I am surprised I can dress myself in the morning let alone go to work and function. Healing is a process and sometimes it is a shitty process. But I believe in this process, even if I do not really have a clear understanding of it. One positive thing is I started writing again and for me that is a big win. Now if I could just find happiness and peace. Anyway, below is something I wrote. Good, Bad, whatever, it was what I was feeling at the time. -Jess
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[av_heading heading=’My Darkness’ tag=’h3′ style=” size=” subheading_active=” subheading_size=’15’ padding=’10’ color=” custom_font=” av-medium-font-size-title=” av-small-font-size-title=” av-mini-font-size-title=” av-medium-font-size=” av-small-font-size=” av-mini-font-size=” admin_preview_bg=”][/av_heading]
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The darkness is overwhelming, overpowering
It is solid, substantial and it covers me completely at times
It started slowly, moments of pain, moments of grief
Then it began to grow
This darkness that is such a part of me
This darkness that followed me like a wolf when I was a child
Looping along the side of the car when they took me away from my biological siblings
Walking beside me while I started a new school
Watching me as I entered a new foster home
Forever waiting
Watching
When my mother took her own life, he was there
Watching me
He started to become a part of me
He started softly, so softly I almost didn’t notice
Then he began to grow and search for his home
Deep inside of me
Deep inside of me this darkness resides
I once thought I had fought him back
I once thought I could be happy
I once thought I could fit in
But then he continued to grow, isolating me
The darkness, overwhelming, overpowering
Forever watching
Forever protecting
Forever isolating
Who am I?
What am I?
A child of pain and suffering?
A child of loss and loneliness?
A mistake.
The darkness takes over and I am nothing
I am worthless, dirty and wrong
My eyes covered, my ears filled
The darkness controls
My chest aches
I want it to stop
Yet I am not my mother
There are moments
Brief
But there are moments
When the darkness loses interest
It pulls in upon itself and for a moment I can see what I am fighting for
It does this I think to torture me
Or does it do it to save me?
The darkness is me after all
I am a child made out of the dust of stars
The darkness is pain
The darkness is protection
But
I am a child of the stars
So the darkness is a part of me
So is the light.
I have to keep fighting
I have to keep going
Because at some point, the darkness and the light will find peace
Because I am a fucking child made of stardust
I have ancient sparkling elements inside of me
The darkness is a comfort and it is torture and it will always be a part of me.
-By JHP 9/20/17
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