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Hi I am now almost 25. When I was just a few weeks old my dad hurt me physically for the first time. He pinched the top of my ear and it turned black instantly that was just the beginning.
In the weeks and months that followed he had made my baby milk wrong deliberately so I would inhale the powder which resulted in me being admitted to hospital. Then when I got home he tried to drown me, I was covered in bruises and at 9 weeks old he threw me onto the sofa and broke my arm in 3 places the doctor called it a spiral break.
CPS got involved and said while my mom was still with my dad they would visit daily. My mom was already pregnant with my brother and they divorced. My dad was never around for a couple of years after. I was a quiet child, didn’t have many friends at school and hardly spoke. When I was 5 I started being sexually abused by a family friend. He used to touch me and do things to this day I won’t let anyone do.
This went on for around a 10 months then a week after my 6th birthday he raped me. In that moment I didn’t really understand what was happening but I froze. Then after it was done he never touched me again. It was horrific, I started comfort eating and starting gaining weight. He stole so much from me that night. While he was babysitting me, my brother and my friends children while my mom had a night out. While she was dancing he was taking her daughters childhood away, her innocence and she didn’t have a clue.
I got on with school and when I was 9 my mom had twin boys so I helped her a lot after their dad left her. I was like a second mom to them not just their sister. As they got older they didn’t need me as much. At the same time I was around 13 when I started learning about sex at school and it finally dawned on me what my babysitter had done and I went off the rails.
Drugs, drinking, staying out late but my mom didn’t notice that something was wrong this continued for the next 3 years. When I was 16 my mom finally found out after finding a note that I wrote but decided not to give her. We went straight to the police and reported it. I went through hell with the interviews at police station and the internal examinations I had to have.
We finally made it to court when I was 18 and got a not guilty verdict as his friend gave him a false alibi. Even though I had internal scarring to prove it. He later admitted to doing it when the court case was over as he couldn’t be charged again for the same crime( double jeopardy). I got straight into a relationship to take my mind of things.
It didn’t work out and I got pregnant by someone else. At 21 I gave birth to my daughter. Who I’ve brought up to be polite, loud, confident and loving all the things I wasn’t at her age to prevent the same happening. I still struggle day to day with memories and I have ptsd which was diagnosed. I have flashbacks and when I smell the aftershave he was wearing that night I gag and have been physically sick.
I have panic attacks and find it difficult to accept love. I’m in a new relationship and I try every day not to run from it, its like im constantly battling myself in my head. It is extremely hard probably as I never got justice. I hate how people think they have the right to do this to people and they don’t suffer for it. While we do. We carry the scars and memories that continue to torture us. I have recently decided that now my daughter is at school that I should go for some counseling and get help. I just say to musk in the mirror each morning that:
- I’m strong
- I’m a mother
- I’m deserving of love
- I’m beautiful
- I do deserve a place on this earth.
Many times I have contemplated suicide but then I see my daughter and she is my reason to stay. I cant just give up because that would mean everything I’ve gone through has been for nothing.
I’m here to stay, to grow old, to love, be loved and to be happy.
To the person that reads this you are important and you are loved.
You are deserving of life.
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