I have been struggling lately, pretty bad. Feeling hopeless and feeling the pain from my childhood that has been so powerful I am surprised I can dress myself in the morning let alone go to work and function. Healing is a process and sometimes it is a shitty process. But I believe in this process, even if I do not really have a clear understanding of it. One positive thing is I started writing again and for me that is a big win. Now if I could just find happiness and peace. Anyway, below is something I wrote. Good, Bad, whatever, it was what I was feeling at the time. -Jess

My Darkness

The darkness is overwhelming, overpowering

It is solid, substantial and it covers me completely at times

It started slowly, moments of pain, moments of grief

Then it began to grow

This darkness that is such a part of me

This darkness that followed me like a wolf when I was a child

Looping along the side of the car when they took me away from my biological siblings

Walking beside me while I started a new school

Watching me as I entered a new foster home

Forever waiting

Watching

When my mother took her own life, he was there

Watching me

He started to become a part of me

He started softly, so softly I almost didn’t notice

Then he began to grow and search for his home

Deep inside of me

Deep inside of me this darkness resides

I once thought I had fought him back

I once thought I could be happy

I once thought I could fit in

But then he continued to grow, isolating me

The darkness, overwhelming, overpowering

Forever watching

Forever protecting

Forever isolating

Who am I?

What am I?

A child of pain and suffering?

A child of loss and loneliness?

A mistake.

The darkness takes over and I am nothing

I am worthless, dirty and wrong

My eyes covered, my ears filled

The darkness controls

My chest aches

I want it to stop

Yet I am not my mother

There are moments

Brief

But there are moments

When the darkness loses interest

It pulls in upon itself and for a moment I can see what I am fighting for

It does this I think to torture me

Or does it do it to save me?

The darkness is me after all

I am a child made out of the dust of stars

The darkness is pain

The darkness is protection

But

I am a child of the stars

So the darkness is a part of me

So is the light.

I have to keep fighting

I have to keep going

Because at some point, the darkness and the light will find peace

Because I am a fucking child made of stardust

I have ancient sparkling elements inside of me

The darkness is a comfort and it is torture and it will always be a part of me.

-By JHP 9/20/17

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