C-PTSD Trauma Survivor From the age of 5, up to my 18th birthday, I don’t remember a day where my life wasn’t pure hell. I had abusive parents, an older brother who hated me, and encouraged our younger brother to hate me as well…and a grandfather who molested me. Yeah. That’s why older brother hated me. He claimed I had lied about the whole thing. And so did many others.

NOTE: (5/17/24) I was given a DNA test several years ago and through that was found by my paternal biological sister. I now know who the sperm donor is, Anthony […]

This is going to just be like most of my Facebook live videos, a rambling post that I am just going to let flow. There is no purpose to this other than to express myself. It will be interesting to see how it turns out. Read, don’t read, I just need to write. I feel like I shit. I wrote about that a while ago, I am not okay. And it is okay not to be okay but it feels like shit and as the chemicals in my brain change due to the medications I am taking to help me deal with the symptoms of the C-PTSD or Developmental Trauma Disorder, I am struggling.

Hi I am now almost 25. When I was just a few weeks old my dad hurt me physically for the first time. He pinched the top of my ear and it turned black instantly that was just the beginning. In the weeks and months that followed he had made my baby milk wrong deliberately so I would inhale the powder which resulted in me being admitted to hospital. Then when I got home he tried to drown me, I was covered in bruises and at 9 weeks old he threw me onto the sofa and broke my arm in 3 places the doctor called it a spiral break.

Yesterday, I was not okay. As far back as I can remember, I have never been okay. I have been many things.

Gaslighting is a term to describe people who try to manipulate others by psychological methods. Essentially they use this to make the other person question their own reality, their own sanity and their own way of looking at things, especially themselves.

One year ago I reached a point where I could not handle my life anymore. My depression was so strong, for me, and I was falling apart. I would be wracked with emotional flashbacks. I would be hit at any moment without warning with pain, grief and loss. I would start to feel the rage that had plagued me when I was a child. There would be times when I would put up the emotional bubble, the shield that protected me from feeling when I was a kid.

Some of you have been following the Facebook page and the blog for a while. Hell, it has only been up for a few months. I am amazed at the […]

I want to feel the water fill my lungs,As I fight despite myself for survival.The fish and marine animals watch impassivelyI sink deeper and deeper into the darkness of the […]

I have been struggling lately, pretty badly. Feeling hopeless and feeling the pain from my childhood that has been so powerful I am surprised I can dress myself in the morning let alone go to work and function. Healing is a process and sometimes it is a shitty process. But I believe in this process, even if I do not have a clear understanding of it. One positive thing is I started writing again and for me, that is a big win. Now if I could just find happiness and peace. Anyway, below is something I wrote. Good, Bad, whatever, it was what I was feeling at the time. -Jess