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I have mentioned many times why I started this project. But not everyone who reads this will be familiar with the history so I am going to give you a bit of a background. (If you want to bypass that, just go to the next section.)
I recently, the past 8-9 months, have started to actively work on healing from my past traumas. Up until this point, I had been existing, not living. I tried, but I would have this pattern of doing well for a little while then I would slip back down into depression, anxiety and panic.
I blamed myself. The voices of the past would speak up and tell me I was lazy, that I was a failure , that I was not enough, that it was my fault I could not heal and be “normal” as society portrays it. Or perhaps how I simply perceive normal to be. Either way it was me not amounting to anything. I was lacking.
These voices, these words were so loud and I trusted them, I felt them to my core and they were my reality and I would slink in a deep depression that I hid mostly from work, from friends and family. They saw some of it but never all of it. Never the darkest bits.
Now, fast forward through a lot of shit and my decision to start taking medication to help with the symptoms of my disorder which I now had two names for: Complex PTSD or C-PTSD and/or Developmental Trauma Disorder. The plan was two fold, take the medication and continue with the therapy with a specialist in Childhood Trauma. The medication was supposed to help the symptoms so the therapy could help me deal with and move past the trauma.
I started to research these disorders. (At the top of my Facebook page is the name of a book that will really help you understand PTSD and the Author of this book has written several articled on Developmental Trauma Disorder.) I started to understand that everything was connected. My symptoms were textbook so to speak. Right there in front of me and other people suffered from this too.
This was liberating to me. I realized there was a reason why I could not take care of myself and get healthy. I understood why I would have these months where I might be okay and then it would slide into deep depression. Panic, Anxiety, Night Terrors and Nightmares, all these symptoms made sense. And it was liberating. Because those words from my past started to lose power.
I started to understand the history and I could map out the trauma and the reactions to it and why I felt the way I did and why I acted the way I did as a child. I also began to understand why people never saw me, they only saw my anger.
I started to follow pages on Facebook. Pages dedicated to healing and to PTSD, then I found out it was actually C-PTSD that I suffered from. I started to notice that these pages were posting things that were inadvertently harmful to the trauma survivor. There was one in particular, a video about what to do if you have a panic attack. It was so pretty and put together so nicely and it was full of shit. At least as far as I was concerned. Keep in mind I know there are other opinions than mine. So I decided to start a page where I could document my journey, tears, snot, laughter, ups and downs, questions, and post what I consider relevant and fact filled accurate information.
My goal with this page was to create a place where I could share my journey and others could share theirs. What I did not realize when I started the Facebook page, was that there are people who are still surrounded by their abusers so I also created a Private Facebook Group. A sanctuary that I work hard to protect. (if you want to join, go to the Facebook Page, select Groups on the left menu and then answer the questions and I will let you in. Make sure you read the rules of the page once you are in there.)
I have only been at this for a month or so and the Facebook page was growing and I decided to create a blog so that I could write long posts like this one and eventually offer more information that would be helpful to trauma survivors.
So we now have a group that continues to grow, a Facebook page that also continues to grow and the blog.
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Then we have me, struggling through the difficult process of healing. Usually, at least lately I have not had the energy to do much more than do live videos. Last night 8/30/2017 I did a video (If you want to see it I have posted it below) that was simply meant to connect.
I had no energy, I had fought my way through the day (worked late to make up time and get work done) and I was suffering, overwhelmed with pain, with loss and grief and the feeling of being torn apart from the inside out. I cried and opened myself up, allowed you to see my vulnerability because I was, as I mentioned looking to connect. I felt so alone and I needed to know that I was not, just like I keep telling you all that you are not alone.
My page, blog and group are all dedicated to healing BUT they are not for everyone. I make sure to be completely transparent about this yet no matter how often you share this information you get these nasty people who want to beat a person while they are down. These people can vary:
- They can be generally nasty individuals who just try to stir things up and enjoy hurting others. These are the abusers and gaslighters. The people who try to replace your reality with theirs and they must be fought against and called out every time. You need to recognize this behavior so that you can protect yourself from it. My method is to screen shot most of them (unless I think they are too much of a nasty individual then I just block them so no one else has to see their replies) and use them as examples to protect you and myself and to explain why their behavior and response or reply is shit.
- You get the people who were brainwashed into thinking emotion is weakness. Honestly I am not sure why they are even on the page in the first place. But their posts are usually similar to the gasslighters and you can not reach them so they get banned. I feel so sorry for them because healing and emotions go hand in hand. Emotions are healthy. Expressing them is healthy. These people have been brainwashed into thinking the only emotions worth sharing is hate and anger and it is really sad.
- Then you get the people who genuinely want to understand. Those are the people worth having a conversation with. Those are the people who may not have the frame of reference and truly do not understand a different perspective but are willing to listen and talk about it. We do not all have to agree, but we do need to be kind. (Unless you fuck with me or mine, then the bat comes out.)
Today, when I woke up, or was trying to wake up, with bleary eyes I saw a nasty post on my video. I was shocked as this was a genuine post filled with raw emotion designed to show my journey and frankly to get support. I mentioned that I was raw, that I was suffering and I just needed to know I was not alone. I had so many lovely people respond, talk with me and help me through it and after I felt cleansed, worn out but cleansed. It was a lovely experience.
But one asshat decided to post “Did you ever think of not crying?” which of course is a simple statement designed to simultaneously show contempt and disdain as well as try to shame me for showing raw emotion. I learned later that this particular twat thought that I was “trying to get attention.” (See the post below that I did about gasslighters and what not to say to trauma survivors.)
The answer to this simple question is, “No.” I believe emotion is healthy. I believe being honest and open and showing what you are going through is healthy. As a trauma survivor I have been to hell and back, like many of you and I was told to shut up or I will really give you something to cry about. I was told that I was weak and that I was to blame.
Needless to say this particular twat fucked with the wrong trauma survivor and I called him out and the blocked his ass from my Facebook page. I did a post about him through and I will embed that here as well. (See below.)
Not long after that I had scheduled a post to go out calling out the abusers and trolls on my Facebook page (see below heh) and out came a nasty woman who was really cruel. So cruel in fact that I immediately banned her ass rather than use her as an example. She posted nasty posts on my video and on my post calling people like her out.
As I processed this I started to question myself. Here I have a page filled with love, with people who are dedicated to supporting on another and two nasty fucks had me questioning myself just like those voices from the past. I actually considered that the gasslighters were right and I was weak and only out for attention. Could I be without knowing it?
I almost considered deleting my page and blog and group and I considered that I was once more a loser. Then the steel came back into my spine and I realized what was happening and I realized that if I continue with this project it will happen again, but, I also realized that I am stronger than them.
I also realized that I have the support of the people that matter the most, the followers who take part in the conversation, the ones who comment and support and encourage. Who have heard the abusive terms before “You are just looking for attention.” “Crying is a weakness” and so on. My response is very grown up. Ready?
Fuck the abusers, fuck the trolls and fuck the gasslighters. You’ve got nothing that can hurt or destroy me. My biological mother used to beat me bloody and then force me to read her fucking bible on my knees in a small closet via candlelight. I moved over 42 time before I was 11. I was abused by foster families, by teachers and abandoned by my family. Do you seriously think you scare me? Fuck you, you spineless twats.
I am not going anywhere, if you agree with my message, if you disagree I do not care because I am doing this for me and for the people I resonate with. I will continue to share my break downs and my triumphs. I will continue to be me and be me unapologetically and you can crawl back into your dark little hovels while I continue to crawl my way out of the darkness into the light that is waiting for me.
Let’s get something straight. I owe you nothing. I am not a fucking customer service person who has to be kind to you or listen to you or take you seriously. I will knock your nasty gasslighting ass down and stomp on you with a fucking smile on my face.
I am not your bitch and you do not scare nor intimidate me. I will not stop spreading my message and I will continue to block you as you show your pathetic little heads. I have a bat. I will use it.
The message is simple and it is for those like me. Those who can appreciate my message and my words. Those who support one another and help fight back against the stigma gaslighters keep trying to perpetuate.
- Accept who you are. Now. Do not wait to love yourself. Do not wait to heal. Accept who you are now. Are you fucked up? Are you vulnerable? Are you struggling? Accept that and own it like a fucking boss. There is no shame in this my friends.
- Educate yourself and your family and friends about your disorder, if you can educate your boss too. But educate yourself and seek help.
- My friends, you have a disorder or you would not be here. Again, there is no shame in this. You educate yourself so you understand the symptoms, the triggers and you make accommodations for yourself. Give yourself a break.
- Communicate with the people in your life. Come out from the darkness and share your true self and those who cannot handle it do not deserve to be a part of your life. But communicate. When you feel a symptom coming on, have a game plan and communicate.
Fight the urge to let the gasslighters win. They are suffering too but they are toxic and they want to believe their reality not yours. I know how easy it is to be drawn into that mess and I say FUCK IT. I am done. I am drawing on my inner Harley Quinn (Suicide Squad Version – and if you hated the movie fuck off I do not care she the inner me. Bitching about it will get your ass banned.)
Unlike what the gasslighters think, the point of my Group, Blog and Facebook page is to connect with other likeminded people. The point is to educate (sorry I have been too tired to do a lot of research lately but I will get there I promise), share my journey, learn about your journey and to support one another. And this does not mean everybody.
I will be frank, I am not for everyone nor are my pages. So if I am not for you, just get the fuck out, there is no reason to tell me why you are leaving. I do not care. Honestly, I will not read your post, I will just ban your ass and delete it. Have some grace and just leave.
I did not start this project for you, I started it for me. It was kismet that it resonated with so many and I am amazed and humbled by that.
So, in closing, trolls, asshats who feel the need to try to cause negativity, gasslighters, fuck off. I will never get tired of removing you as you show yourselves. My people know to ignore you as I will be there to remove you.
We are survivors who believe in encouragement and in supporting one another. That does not include supporting assholes. That does not include supporting gasslighters or abusers. If you can not handle that, fuck off or I will be happy to kick your ass out the door.
I will not mince words. I have been through too much and I have finally found the ability to fight back. I will continue to share and I will continue to post my videos and talk with my new online friends. I care deeply about each of you and your journey to wellness. Healing is hard enough my friends.
Fight back. In whatever way you can. Do not let the twats win. Keep spreading the word. Keep fighting the stigma.
- Mental Illness is nothing to be ashamed of,
- PTSD is nothing to be ashamed of,
- C-PTDS or Developmental Trauma Disorder is nothing to be ashamed of,
- Depression is nothing to be ashamed of,
- Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of,
- Panic is nothing to be ashamed of,
- Nightmares is nothing to be ashamed of,
- Night Terrors is nothing to be ashamed of,
- Breaking down is nothing to be ashamed of,
- Crying is nothing to be ashamed of,
- Showing emotion is nothing to be ashamed of.
You know what is?
- Being a twat that posts harmful things intended to cause shame or pain in vulnerable people. That is something to be ashamed of,
- Being an abuser, that is something to be ashamed of,
- Causing pain, that is something to be ashamed of,
- Wasting my time by leaving useless messages about why you hate my page when I do not give a flying fuck, that is something to be ashamed of,
- Gasslighting trauma survivors is something to be ashamed of.
Get my drift? I have suffered through worse than complete strangers posting mean shit telling me hurtful things. For the first time in years I am stronger than you assholes.
I was struggling last night when I posted that video. I was suffering and it felt so painful and so real. Today I have rallied and that shows me that I am healing. I have people who love me and believe in me and those who abused me are either dead or living in bumfuck nowhere and are meaningless to me.
I can heal and I can get through this. So can you my friends. We stand together and our voices become louder. Fight the stigma! You are not alone. Even the twats are not alone, there are groups out there specifically for people like them.
Feel sorry for yourself.
Allow you to feel the grief and loss and anger.
Then you rally and get to work on healing. Because you can. So can I.
Okay, I guess that is enough rant for now. It is amazing how writing and talking through things really helps with not only perspective, but in dealing with the negative emotions.
My love to you who have stuck in there with me and continue to do so. I am not going anywhere. So I am here for you too.
You are Valid as is your journey and all of the symptoms along the way.
Fuck the abusers and the trolls and gaslighters. And a little pity to them as well. It must be a difficult way to be.
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